Another day with the kids at home or working with a class of students at school. One child begins to bump another child with their elbow while playing on the floor. One burps loudly, apologises, and then does it over and over again. A child starts to run around the room, flapping and clucking like a chicken. These behaviours all have something in common: they are often labelled as attention-seeking behaviours.
When these behaviours pop up, you may find yourself asking, “Why?”
- “Why on earth is that child doing that?”
- “Don’t they realise they are annoying others?”
- “Don’t they realise they are being disruptive?”
The general answer to these questions is that the child is trying to communicate something about their need to be seen. Unfortunately, in that moment, their communication is not very clear and is almost always taken the wrong way.
Attention-seeking behaviours can be seen as misguided attempts at connection. They are misguided because the behaviour being used often ends up having the opposite effect to what the child needs in that moment. Instead of receiving the connection they crave, the child may be ignored, sent away, or given only negative attention—being yelled at, told off, or criticised.
How Can We Respond Therapeutically to Connection-Seeking Behaviours?
Try following these three steps when responding to children who are trying to connect in a challenging way.
Step One – Let’s repeat again: “Attention-seeking behaviours are misguided attempts at connection.”
Now sit back and try repeating that statement to yourself over and over. Make it a mantra that you can draw on when the frustrating behaviours begin:
- “That child wants to connect with me.”
- “That child feels like he needs me right now.”
- “That child is choosing me to reach out to.”
By hearing, “He wants to connect with me,” we can experience the behaviour quite differently.
“Every time you hear yourself say, that kid is ‘attention-seeking’, replace it with ‘connection-seeking’, and watch your perspective change.”
—Dr. Jody Carrington
Before responding to the child’s (likely annoying) behaviour, let yourself be filled with the warmth that this child wants to be in relationship with you and the people around them.
Step Two – Let them know you see them, hear them, and understand what they need.
Let the child know you’ve noticed their communication by reflecting what they’re expressing:
- “You really want Henry to look at you right now.”
- “I’m on my phone, and you feel like I’m not here with you.”
For teachers:
- “It’s hard to feel involved in this task.” (And therefore, with me and the class.)
Step Three – Provide an alternative way to connect.
Think of this as a teaching moment. You’re helping them discover a more positive and effective way to get what they need—a way that works for everyone.
At school, this might mean:
- Giving the child a classroom job like helping turn the book pages.
- Walking over to the child to acknowledge them and help them refocus.
At home, this might look like:
- Asking them to choose the next vegetable to chop for dinner.
- Getting them to collect something from another room for you.
There may be times—such as when you’re on the phone or writing an email—when you simply can’t offer instant connection. In these moments, it’s still important to acknowledge the child’s needs:
“You really want me right now…”
Then follow up with a clear boundary:
“I’ll set the timer for 10 minutes, and when it goes off, I’ll be ready to read that book with you.”
Have You Heard Before That You Should Ignore Attention-Seeking?
Some of you may have learned the old approach: ignore behaviours you don’t want. Ignore attention-seeking and it will go away.
Let’s take a moment to reconsider that idea.
When we ignore a child who is reaching out to connect, the message they receive is: I won’t connect with you.
You might be trying to say: I won’t connect with you when you’re being silly or when I’m busy.
But the child’s subconscious may instead say: Be louder so they’ll notice me. This increases the challenge for both of you.
Or worse, the child may learn: Others won’t connect with me. I shouldn’t try.
The behaviour may stop—but only because the child has withdrawn and lost trust in human connection. A very sad outcome.
Have You Heard Before That You Should Ignore Attention-Seeking?
Some of you may have learned the old approach: ignore behaviours you don’t want. Ignore attention-seeking and it will go away.
Let’s take a moment to reconsider that idea.
When we ignore a child who is reaching out to connect, the message they receive is: I won’t connect with you.
You might be trying to say: I won’t connect with you when you’re being silly or when I’m busy.
But the child’s subconscious may instead say: Be louder so they’ll notice me. This increases the challenge for both of you.
Or worse, the child may learn: Others won’t connect with me. I shouldn’t try.
The behaviour may stop—but only because the child has withdrawn and lost trust in human connection. A very sad outcome.
Instead of Ignoring, Acknowledge and Teach
Children will almost always choose behaviours that work for them—if they know what those behaviours are.
Focus on a child’s need for connection and teach them positive ways to achieve it.
How Play Therapy Can Help
If you know a child who often shows big behaviours and struggles to connect with others—and you feel overwhelmed about how to help—Play Therapy may be a useful support for your family.
Play Therapy allows children to explore their social and emotional world in a safe environment and in relationship with a trained therapist. The therapist can help the child:
- Uncover the complexities of their relationships
- Unpack their feelings
- Understand the needs of themselves and others
- Build the skills for later success
