Encouragement vs Praise: Why the Difference Matters for Your Child’s Growth
As parents, we all want to lift our children up, help them feel confident, and encourage them to keep making good choices. But here’s a tricky truth: not all positive comments are equally helpful. In fact, the way we praise our kids can sometimes backfire—without us even realizing it.
Dr. Thomas Gordon, psychologist and founder of the Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) program, offers an important distinction between praise and encouragement. And it all comes down to intent, honesty, and whether there’s a “hidden agenda.”
The Hidden Agenda in Praise
Praise often sounds like a good thing: “You’re such a good boy!” or “You did a great job on your homework!” But according to Gordon (2022, 2025), many adults use praise with an unspoken goal—to change the child’s future behaviour in a specific way.
For example:
- Parent: “You look so pretty in that dress.”
Hidden message: “I wish you’d wear dresses more often instead of jeans.” - Teacher: “You’ve been so quiet and well-behaved today.”
Hidden message:“Why can’t you be like this every day?”
When praise is used this way, it’s less about celebrating the child in the moment and more about engineering a future behaviour that benefits the adult—whether that’s a cleaner room, a tidier yard, or a calmer classroom.
The problem? Kids are perceptive. They often sense when praise is manipulative, judgmental, or not entirely genuine. Over time, they may see the adult as controlling rather than supportive.
Why Praise Can Sometimes Harm More Than Help
While praise is usually well-intentioned, it’s often a “You-Message” – a statement that evaluates or judges the child (“You’re so smart!”). Even positive judgments can create pressure:
- Kids may fear losing approval if they can’t repeat the praised behaviour.
- They may feel defined by the label (“good girl,” “smart boy”) rather than valued for their effort or uniqueness.
- It can unintentionally teach children to seek external validation instead of developing self-motivation.
esearch in child development (Deci & Ryan, 2017; Kohn, 2001) also suggests that external rewards and evaluation-based praise can undermine intrinsic motivation over time.
Encouragement as a Better Alternative
Gordon recommends replacing “You-Message” praise with Positive I-Messages—comments that share your genuine feelings, describe the child’s behaviour, and explain the positive impact it had.
Unlike “You-Message”, Positive I-Messages:
- Avoid judgment or evaluation.
- Focus on the parent’s authentic feelings and experiences.
- Foster connection, trust, and self-worth.
Examples of Positive I-Messages
- 3-Part I-Message (Behaviour + Feeling + Effect)
- “I really appreciate the way you kids straightened up the garage today; it’s so much easier now for me to park the car and find things.”
- 2-Part I-Message (Behaviour + Feeling)
- “I’m really pleased at the way you’ve brought up your grades this semester.”
- Part I-Message (Feeling)
- “I love you.”
These statements are transparent, honest, and not tied to a “hidden agenda.” They affirm the child without dangling approval like a reward.
Different Types of Praise – And Why Intent Matters
While Gordon is critical of manipulative praise, not all praise is equal. Researchers have identified two main types:
- 1. Person Praise (“You’re so clever!”)
- Focuses on traits or identity.
- Can create pressure to “live up” to the label and discourage risk-taking.
- 2. Process Praise (“You worked really hard on that drawing.”)
- Focuses on effort, strategies, and improvement.
- Linked to resilience and a growth mindset (Dweck, 2006).
If you do praise, process praise is generally more constructive than person praise—though it’s still different from the deeper, relational benefits of encouragement.
Key Takeaways for Parents
- Check your intent. Ask yourself: Am I praising to make my child feel valued, or to get them to behave the way I want?
- Be genuine and specific. Share what you saw, how you felt, and why it mattered to you.
- Avoid labels. Steer clear of “good boy/girl” or “smart” and focus on the behaviour or effort.
- Build intrinsic motivation. Use encouragement to help your child feel proud of their own efforts—not just your approval.
References
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2017).Self-Determination Theory: Basic Psychological Needs in Motivation, Development, and Wellness. Guilford Press.
- Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
- Gordon, T. (2022, August 24). You Should Praise Your Kids, Right? [Blog post]. Gordon Training International.
- Gordon, T. (2025, April 24). The Hidden Agenda. Gordon Training International.
- Kohn, A. (2001). Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”. Young Children, 56(5), 24–28.
