Understanding Selective Mutism

What is Selective Mutism?

Selective Mutism is a diagnosis which may be given to a child when they do speak verbally in some settings, but do not speak in one or more other settings. For example, your child may talk at home with their siblings but may not talk at school or when visiting with their aunts and uncles.

Selective Mutism is currently categorised as an anxiety disorder, and it often occurs at the same time as other diagnoses. This means that it is really useful to consult professionals to help ensure your child has the correct diagnosis and treatment.  A great first step is communicating with your General Practitioner, Paediatrician or Maternal Child Family Health Nurse.

Selective Mutism can be just as confusing for parents and carers as it can be for kids. Below are some useful tips when supporting your child with Selective Mutism.

Avoid Pressure

As selective mutism is linked to anxiety it is important to avoid situations which will increase your child’s fear around speaking in particular settings. This means avoiding trying to demand your child speak, or placing pressure on them to do so. Pushing your child to speak may lead to them to shut down and increase distress around verbal communication. Creating pressure can include quizzing your children about whether they have spoken either at school, therapies or in other settings.

Remember your child is not being naughty. Talking can be really scary for children with selective mutism. When we get scared our bodies including our vocal cords get tense and it can be really hard to get words out, not just mentally and emotionally but physically too!  

It really helps if you can educate family members, friends and teaching staff not to pressure children to speak too. Ideally you would explain this to them away from your child, so that your child does not feel self-conscious.   

Other Ways to Participate

When your child is in a setting where they do not speak you can support them to build their capacity by engaging them in activities.

One example might be when you are taking your child to a relative’s home where they typically do not speak. You could begin a game of passing a ball back and forth with the child and incorporate relatives. During the play the child does not need to verbalise. Everyone should avoid putting the child on the spot by asking them questions. Instead, the other people playing may be able to use their words to comment on the play or their delight in the play. For example, “This is so much fun” or “I wonder if I can throw the ball really high.” These types of comments on play do not necessitate any verbal response from the child and will reduce their anxiety about being expected to speak. At the same time, they are able to have a positive experience of socialisation in a setting that may typically overwhelm them.

Another example would be if you are with your child in a setting where there may be added pressure to speak. You can offer your child a simple task to complete to help them to remain present with reduced anxiety. For example, “lets pack up together” or “lets line up the blocks.”

Unconditional Positive Regard

Help your child remember that whether they speak or not, they are valued and loved by you. This will remind your child that they can feel safe and secure with you. It can also ease the pressure around speaking, which can make speaking harder.

When you are away from others try giving gentle praise based on your observations. For example, “I saw you pick up the book your teacher dropped and hand it to him. That was really kind”. This is a way to praise the child for how they are already interacting with others.  

Parental/Carer Support

If you notice yourself from time to time asking your child to speak or quizzing them about whether they have spoken today, you are not alone. Many parents and carers struggle with this and it is understandable. When your child has selective mutism, you may naturally feel worried about how they will navigate the world without the capacity to speak verbally to others. Will they make friends? Will they be treated fairly? Will they be able to get help if they need it when they are away from you? All these worries and more can show up for you and you might find you get stuck in your own fear, and it can be all too tempting to want to push your child toward speaking.

It’s important to know as a parent or carer that what you are going through is difficult too. Something that can help is checking in with your own supports, this can mean communicating with your general practitioner, seeking your own therapy, or connecting with community groups where you can link with other parents who have been through this experience.

Anxiety Management

As selective mutism is connected to anxiety, helping children to cope big feelings is an important first step. If your child is selectively mute, ensuring they do physical activity every day, sleep well, and eat well can help with anxiety. This is because looking after our bodies physically can help with regulation and reduces stress.   

Using emotion coaching techniques at home can also help to normalise emotions, enhance your child’s ability to regulate and reduce anxiety. If you are interested in learning more about emotion coaching you can look up programs such as Tuning Into Kids.

Get Silly and Make Mistakes.

Everyone worries about looking silly and making mistakes, even children. Let your child with selective mutism know it’s okay to have fun, be messy and silly sometimes. If there are very strict rules around a child, or if they have perfectionistic tendencies, they may internalise fear and worry about making a mess or upsetting the adults around them.  Embrace playfulness with your child by engaging in messy play (playdough, painting), noisy play (signing, shouting) and silliness (dress ups, and make believe). When your child can see you being silly and not stressing about the mess, or being perfect, they will see it’s okay to take risks.

Be a role model making mistakes and normalizing this as a part of life. A great example might be when a different language is spoken at home than the language spoken at school. If your child can see you give the language spoken at school a go from time to time, they will know it’s okay to give it a go too, even if they may make mistakes. This of course doesn’t mean going without an interpreter if you need one! It is just a way to normalise being vulnerable and trying out a new skill.

Build Up to Big Talk

By helping your child to expand their scope for where and with whom they will speak, you can work together to gently increase their comfort zones.

If your child will talk at home and in the car but not at the shops around strangers, you could try opening an invitation to your child such as “If you want to tell me something when we get to the shops, you can tell me, no one will be paying attention to us or what we are saying.”

If you are going to play group or pre-school, you can let your child know it’s okay for them to sing at song time and no one will make them speak afterwards.

If you are building up to a child speaking in a new location, for example the doctor’s office, you can let them know “it’s okay for us to talk together quietly in the waiting room, it doesn’t mean you will have to talk in your appointment.”

Try letting your child speak through you, rather than speaking for them. An example might be letting a relative know to direct questions to you in the first instance.

For example, Grandma might ask “I wonder whether Lily wants an apple?”

Parent might then ask, “Lily would you like an apple?” If Lily then indicates she would like an apple either verbally or non-verbally the parent would then state back to grandma “Yes Lily would like an apple.”

You can try normalising verbal communication from time to time with voice and video recordings. Whilst it is important for the use of these mediums to be temporary, they can build capacity for verbal communication.