When it comes to raising children, there’s a bit of an art to positive parenting, and it starts with not asking questions. We know it’s natural to want to ask questions of our children, especially when we’re trying to figure out how they truly feel about the people and experiences in their life, but doing so can lead to them feeling misunderstood. We’ll explain, but first, have a think through a typical day of communicating with your kids. Do you find yourself asking a lot of questions?
You might find yourself asking things along the lines of:
- Did you sleep?
- What have you got planned today?
- Are you prepared for your day’s activities?
- How was school?
- Did you do your homework?
- Why are you so quiet? What made you upset?
- Did you fight with your brother/sister?
- When will you do your chores?
Keeping in mind kids are very much emotional beings who feel their way through their young lives, the constant barrage of questions they receive from adults can often feel like an inquisition or interrogation to them. This can lead them to feeling uncomfortable and confused when they are compelled internally to grapple with finding answers to these questions.
Depending on who is asking, they further battle to find the “correct or right” responses, and when they cannot, or are struggling, they shut down or simply provide curt and sometimes mono-syllabic answers. Sound familiar?
In the parent training courses we offer at CoRe Kids Therapy, we recommend the use of statements instead of questions. This is on the basis that all the questions you ask your children can be turned into statements.
What do statements look like in real life situations and how does it help?
“Why are you behaving like this?” can be stated as, “I can see you are upset.”
“What happened at school?” changes to, “School was not a happy place for you today.”
“How many times have I said…” flips to, “I have already mentioned…”
“Why are you crying?” changes to, “Wow, you are really sad at the moment…”
Converting questions to statements enhances communication with our children because it allows them to stay in their emotional zone. They can maintain verbal communication without having to switch to a foreign cognitive process to address the need to respond to a question. Statements are also a validation and helps them to feel listened to instead of being misunderstood. It’s upsetting for many kids to be asked to relate their negative experiences via questioning, instead of just acknowledging they are going through this experience.
From statements to Active Listening
Then it’s time for Active Listening; a wonderful parenting tool to improve communication and problem-solving in the household. Active Listening starts by giving your full 100% attention without any other distractions, followed by letting your child say what’s on their mind in their own words, in their own time.
Here’s some pointers to start effectively communicating through active listening:
- Say back to your child what you think she is trying to express. If you’re wrong, they ’ll quickly let you know.
- Try to get to the feeling the child is expressing. Their body language will be a clue here. Use the language of acceptance. No judgmental words.
- Resist the urge to jump in with your solution if the child has a problem. Trust your children, as they’ll often find their own solutions when an attentive parent acts as a sounding-board.
- If your child enlists your help to solve a problem, make time to brainstorm some solutions together. Let them evaluate which solution they will try first. Arrange a time to check back in on the issue/solution progress.
Sometimes all the child needs is to be heard in order to release their emotions. The child’s ability to problem-solve independently can be encouraged using these Active Listening skills.
Rome wasn’t built in one day, and like most things, these parenting tips take both awareness and practice to get better. A recommendation is to start practicing rephrasing your questions into statements based on what your kids are expressing, what you know about them, and what emotions they are feeling in the moment. This coupled with embedded Active Listening, you are well into the journey of helping your children feel heard and understood, and can even share in the meaningful process of collaborative Problem-Solving.
About the author
Donna Lai specialises in Play Therapy, Filial Therapy, Animal Assisted Therapy, and Parent Coaching. She has over 30 years of experience working with children, youth, and families, empowering all to strengthen their relationships make positive changes in their lives. Her approach is collaborative and reflective, allowing children to feel safe in telling their story through the natural language of play. Discover more about Donna and what to expect in a play therapy session on her profile page.